Sometimes I tell clients or friends how thrilled I am with the work I am doing yet I feel this hesitation or question in my thoughts that leaves me feeling confused. Am I not telling the truth? Is there something else I would rather be doing? 

I feel a greater fulfillment in the work I’m doing than what I have ever felt before. I enjoyed senior care tremendously but I often felt a lot of stress in the midst of it. Or I felt that it lacked a challenge. Occasionally, the families of the seniors I cared for treated them in ways I had difficulty tolerating.

In the work I have done since graduating from Penn State, I have often felt my degree wasn’t purposeful. Less so in senior care as it certainly had its relevance but jobs prior to that. However,  with a degree in Human Development and Family Studies, it couldn’t be much more fitting as a postpartum doula. And my graduate work in social work is certainly something that has benefitted even though I didn’t complete the degree. That is also something I have struggled with because getting a Master’s degree was and is still very important to me. 

I think some of the hesitation lies in a less than ideal work schedule because I mainly work overnights, leaving me completely exhausted and feeling that I am never truly rested. However, I was always tired prior to this work, so that’s not really all that different.

I find myself completely enamored with the babies I work with, often in awe of the mothers I support and deeply pleased with the affirmations I give these new moms. I work hard to empower them because I feel that is what I have lacked so much during my journey with motherhood. I often tell these mamas that when I walk into their home, I try to do what I would want a friend to do for me if I was in their shoes. 

Because I remember those days, being so tired and emotionally worn and sometimes feeling completely alone. I remember the quiet and sometimes not so quiet chaos. I remember the tears and the tension and being confused at how to get more done in my day and how to find fulfillment. How ironic that I feel such fulfillment from providing exactly what I felt lacked as a mom myself. 

I enjoy telling moms that I want to jump into tasks that they have felt too tired to accomplish and take a few things off their plate so they can enjoy their time with their newborn. Quite often, I want to jump right into their lives to have the opportunity to cherish what once left me feeling such a void. I longed for the support system and the answers to questions of how to raise a tiny little person so dependent on me for everything when I felt so emotionally bankrupt. Sure, I had books on raising children and while I may be guilty of not actually opening them, I just lacked the presence of others. 

I lacked the presence of a mother or close older women confidantes that could assure me what I was feeling was normal and to remind me that they too lacked the answers and were often winging it themselves. I lacked hugs. I tell moms one of my passions is mothering the mother. It is a simple but deeply crucial need. It is what supports new mothers and they quite often have no clue of the value in that. It is so present in other cultures and I think deeply lacking in our own. 

As a motherless mother, it wasn’t really until I became a mother myself that I realized truly what I lost, or even many years into motherhood. I remember when Hope Edelman published Motherless Mothers and having that aha moment when I realized I identified with that label and it suddenly made sense to me that I was in this less than ideal club that I never chose to join. 

As mothers, we do our best to take what we have and provide that to our children because we want their life to be better than our own. That is the essence of motherhood. It is discovering a love that is greater than anything we have experienced while out how to provide for the needs and wants of our little. 

It is rather ironic that I signed up for a postpartum doula class just after my first daughter was born. My mother in law paid for the class and yet somehow made the comment to me that she didn’t think I would follow through with becoming a doula. It is in that comment when we disempower a mother. We have to come together and realize how valuable our support to others can be. Just simple words of encouragement can have such a profound meaning to someone simply trying to get through their day. 

I had a moment the other day where I was complaining about myself to a previous client I had worked with. She looked at me with such kindness and reminded me of my owns words I had said to her just weeks before and asked me, what can you do nice for Katie today? It was in those words that I was reminded of what I offer to my clients and how meaningful our relationships with other women can be. 

I think when I feel that hesitation when I tell people how happy I am with the working I am doing, I will try to quell that voice and remind myself to have more grace. I have only been doing this work for a little over a year and in that time I have worked with so many moms and received the most wonderful feedback. 

There is no perfect job out there but on most days this feels pretty perfect. I often tell myself that some people never find what truly feeds their soul. And that some people don’t find a person to spend decades of their life with to raise the family that they once dreamt of having. When I remind myself of these accomplishments, I feel fortunate. It’s certainly not always an easy life. Quite honestly, it rarely feels easy but it certainly feels full and well lived and for that I am immensely grateful.