As February comes to a close and March begins, I am reminded that the 30th anniversary of my mom’s death is nearly 3 weeks away. It was important for me to make plans to travel somewhere and take some to reflect, live fully and take care of myself. I had strongly considered going to Spain and walking a bit of the Camino Santiago trail. However, that seemed to involve a bit more self-reflection and athleticism than I was looking for. When the opportunity to go to the Galapagos with Jason came up, I jumped on it.
I have decided to commit to writing more and put together a somewhat organized plan for each month this year. I feel excited and apprehensive about it. Finding the time and thoughts to write seem slightly daunting but I’m determined to give it a solid try.
When considering what I wanted to write about tonight, I was thinking of my ambition and focus in the work that I do. When I have the opportunity to work directly with the new mother rather than just manage the baby overnight, my focus is on supporting her. My passion is momming the mom. It’s a simple concept but I think it is really crucial. I recently had this brought up in a therapy session that it made sense that I would work to support moms when lacking one myself. I understand how important that is and it gives such meaning to my life to empower moms when they feel so tired, unsure and in need of comfort and reassurance. It is an honor to have that role in their lives and provide something that would have been so helpful to me.
It is interesting to think of what it would have been like to have had my mom at my births or watching my girls grow up. I love seeing grandparents dote on their grandchildren and experience the awe of seeing their children become parents themselves. It is what makes me excited to go to work each day and witness their family dynamics. I teeter between being a fly on the wall and active support depending on their needs. I bring my stories and experiences to the table when I feel that it can help build connection or normalize their experiences.
I often feel overwhelmed at the complicated dynamics with my girls but I am hopeful that I can offer similar support to them if I am fortunate enough to be there when they have children. It is one of life’s greatest joys and brings everything full circle. It is in those moments you see how much life is worth living and the beauty and need to put things in perspective.
I know I will feel these upcoming days in March and while I often tuck them away because it is easier than being consumed by sadness, or emptiness from the lack experiences we were robbed of, this month I will try to be more open to feeling them. It certainly makes life more authentic and fuller to take in those hard and meaningful moments, process and learn from them and decide how to move forward. Being lost in regret and what ifs regarding my mom hasn’t consumed me in decades. It is the gift of time. And I am so tremendously thankful for that. They were amongst my darkest days when I questioned the meaning of life, my purpose and how to move beyond the grief. I do not miss those days. In fact, it is a relief that they are so far in the past but it is important not to forget them. They have taught me gratitude, the fragility of life and the importance of not having regrets. I’ve certainly found the latter easier said than done but it is a work in progress. I am trying to recognize and appreciate my accomplishments, giving myself the grace I deserve and finding peace and joy in my life. It is important to remain mindful of these goals and redirect myself when I lose sight of them.